


Waking Up

by Brainboxy (Pixichan)



Category: B.A.P, Kpop - Fandom
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Temporary Amnesia, mentions of injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-11 22:45:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7073557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pixichan/pseuds/Brainboxy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wakes up to a world he does not remember, with an angel by his side. It's become time for him to navigate his life like a stranger, trying to pick up the pieces until he can remember who he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waking Up

**Author's Note:**

> (originally posted on aff)

The abyss. It was the first thing that nestled its way into his world. His beginning was just that, nothing, the void. Everything was black, soundless, tasteless, without smell, and without feeling. There was not a single sensation as he floated along in the abyss of nothingness, not a single thought in his head. Then a sound, shrill, in even spaces, a beep. Yes, that's what he would call that, a beep. It came often and regularly, and it was not so long before his other senses joined, but for a while, there were only the beeps.

He could hear footsteps, then voices. Someone far away was speaking, and slowly their voices came closer. He couldn't make out the words for the longest time, not for many beeps which he counted in his thoughtless space. Then a voice rang through, "So it's possible he'll wake up soon?" It was hopeful. It was beautiful. The voice of an angel. Maybe he was in heaven.

"Well, that's not for certain. Mr. Jung has undergone a great deal of head trauma." Now it was a woman talking. His heart wept for whoever this Mr. Jung was, but he staved off all other thoughts in hopes of hearing this conversation. Maybe it was important. "It's quite possible he will come out of his coma within the next couple of weeks. The main worry is, well, if he doesn't, Mr. Yoo, then he might not."

"He might not what?" That beautiful voice was filled with worry, with defiance to acknowledge what he was being told.

"He might not wake up, Mr. Yoo. And given the amount of head trauma, even with the operations we've done, well," a hesitant pause left him in suspense. What would happen to this poor Mr. Jung? "He has a high chance of waking up with amnesia, Mr. Yoo. It is unclear how much he will remember, if anything." A pause. He thought he heard someone speak but he could not hear the words. The woman's voice came back again. "Yes, it's possible that the amnesia will only extend a couple hours, maybe even a couple minutes before the accident. It's also possible that he will forget years upon years of memories. At the moment we can't even say if he will wake up, Mr. Yoo. It's impossible to say what kind of state he would be in if he did."

The footsteps left and he strained his hearing to follow them as far as they'd go. Things were sounding closer and closer by the moment, almost close enough to touch. Oh, woe! If only he had arms, he would reach out and grab onto something. This abyss that was his home, when he knew nothing else it was so nice! But not that he had a sense, just one, he felt himself growing greed for more.

Someone shifted next to him. He heard that. "Daehyunnie," The voice called sweetly, but he could hear the sadness underneath. It was the voice of the angel again, and he could only pray and wish that he was the one this angel was calling with so much longing. "Please wake up." That angel's voice wavered. "Please don't leave me. I'm sorry. Whatever I did, I'm sorry." The angel's voice cracked, and for a while he could only hear sobs. "I don't know why I'm even trying." It sobbed. "You can't hear me, right? No matter how much I ask you to come back, you can't even hear me."

If he could cry along with the angel, he would. He would weep for this beautiful voice. 

The abyss came to be a little brighter then, not with actual light but with sound. Words, movement nearby, and occasionally a soft song lulled him around his sweet abyss. He wanted more, but for now this was it. Time seemed to pass by much too rapidly. He could hear them force the angel to leave his side at night, and heard him return again in the morning. "How are you?" The words seemed out of place in the angel's mouth, and no one answered. The angel didn't even wait. "Junhong came too today."

"Youngjae." Another voice chimed in, strained. "He can't hear you."

"I know." The angel's voice was sad. "I just want to pretend he's still there. I keep thinking that maybe if I call for him enough, he'll hear me and wake up. I know that cant really happen, it's just—" The angel stopped speaking.

"I know." The other voice spoke. "What did the doctor say?"

"Every day he stays like this, the more likely it is that he'll stay like this forever. Most of the healing is out of the way— they were inducing the coma then, but now it's just on him. And even if he does wake up, well, they say he'll have amnesia, probably. It's awful, but I keep thinking maybe it would be for the better." So sad, and he longed to reach out and comfort this guardian of heaven that was sitting so close to him. "What do I do, Junhong? I can't lose him."

Junhong was the other voice, he supposed. "He'll wake up. And even if he can't remember anything, anything at all, I'm sure he'd fall in love with you again." They spoke more, but he did not recognize the words because of a strange new sensation.

Weight. He was no longer weightless and floating, and essence with no corporeal form. No, he was weighted down to something. It pressed against his back from his head to his toes and with delight he found that those were extremities that he had. Toes that attached to legs, which attached to hips, to a stomach, to his torso. And that torso broke off more! It connected to a neck that attached to his head, with a mouth and a nose and closed eyes.

But better, better, to arms. His arms which became hands and fingers, one of which was held down by a warm weight that was not his own. His abyss was fading rapidly around him. Suddenly he could feel air, cool but dry. He could hear the ticking of clocks and feel a warm thumb brush against the back of his hand, which he now realized was being held. He could smell, and quickly decided the smell of the place was nothing good. It just smelled sterile, stifled, and cold. But from beside him there was another smell, musky but sweet. 

Desperately, desperately, he wanted to hold the hand that was holding his. That beeping that had lulled him through the void was now coming less regularly, and at more frequent intervals.

He was sinking under, and then all of a sudden the abyss he had started in was gone, along with any memories of it. Along with any memories at all.

There was a warm hand in his, a thumb rubbing up and down the back of his hand. It felt nice, so nice. He tried to mimic it, to move one of his own fingers as well. It took time, time spent concentrating as hard as he could, but then he found his ability. A single movement of his index finger, it wasn't much, but it caused a great deal of excitement.

"He moved!" A beautiful voice shouted.

"What? Are you sure?" Another asked.

"He moved his finger; I felt it!" Some soft beeping in the room quickened, and this elicited a soft request. "Daehyun, Daehyun please, wake up. Please wake up." He wanted to try again. He concentrated once more on the muscles in his hand, on moving them, and found himself able to squeeze the hand holding his. "He's squeezing my hand." A beautiful sob came.

He wanted to open his eyes, to see this beauty calling out for him. It took less concentration this time, and then his eyes were open. Everything was white. He was looking at the ceiling. Something buzzed and a second later footsteps came rushing into the room. "Yes?" A woman's voice spoke. "Oh my."

"He's awake." The beautiful voice spoke. He tried to turn his head to see but it hurt and something around his neck prevented him from moving much. There was a buzzing and he felt himself move with the bed beneath him. Where was he? Who was he? He was propped up then to see three people.

A woman in red scrubs stood at his bedside as she messed with a small remote. Her hair was long and pretty, but her face was tired. Behind her, in a chair sat against the opposite wall sat a shocked boy, his mouth agape, his eyes wide, and a small bend upward at the corners of his lips. And then by his other side, holding his hand, was the most beautiful, angelic man he had ever seen in his life. He had big eyes with a soft sparkle to them, his black hair disheveled in a way that made him want to run his fingers through it. His lips were plump and pink and his skin looked soft and smooth. His cheeks were a little plump as well, and a soft blush decorated his high cheek bones.

"Are you an angel?" He tried to say. He really did try. But his voice came out as hoarse sputters and coughs until a little water was given to him by the nurse by his side. He looked to the man again, and the words came with no thought. "Are you an angel?"

A pause. The boy in the back began laughing, and then the nurse joined him with a soft chuckle as well. "No." The man by his side answered. "No, I'm your boyfriend."

He felt like he had won the lottery. No, something better than the lottery.

"Mr. Jung." The nurse touched his shoulder. "Do you remember anything?" He shook his head. She took a deep breath. "Okay, well, your name is Jung Daehyun. You are currently in the Gangnam General Hospital in Seoul, South Korea. You were in a car accident about a month ago and have been in a coma since then. You'll notice you still have some broken bones and a couple bruises, as well as some other varying injuries. Please be careful not to move your head too much, you have whiplash. If you are in any pain, please press this buzzer and a nurse will come give you more pain killers."

"I— What happened?" Daehyun asked in confusion.

"I do not know the specifics, you will have to ask your friends that." She bowed then and left the room, and slowly Daehyun turned back to the angel by his side.

"Daehyun," He breathed with pleased excitement. "I missed you so much. I—"

"He doesn't know who you are." The boy in the back reminded. "He barely even knows who  _he_  is. Much less you." His voice was soft and caring, but wiped the smile of the man's face. 

The angel straightened a bit and squeezed his hand before he spoke again. "Your name is Jung Daehyun. You were born in Busan in 1993. You moved here to Seoul when you were 18 for university. Um, we had a music theory class together freshman year. That's how we met. You're twenty-three years old, so am I. We both graduated last year, you with a degree in music education and me with a degree in computer science. Now I work as a programmer, and you were working at a middle school until the accident. Your students actually sent a bunch of get well cards and flowers, but I had to take them home because they were getting in the way of the monitors." The man spoke.

"His name is Youngjae." The man in the back spoke, nodding to the person by his side. "I'm Junhong. I'm just a friend from school, I'm not graduating until next year."

"Right, I forgot he'd forget that." Youngjae mumbled nervously. "My name is Youngjae. We've been dating four years now, since our second year in university."

"Are you serious?" Daehyun shouted, taking both of the others by surprise.

Youngjae gulped. "Y-Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry? That's literally the best thing I've ever heard. I can only remember the past ten minutes or so, but still! How did I manage to get someone like you to date me?"

"What do you mean?" Youngjae asked. His cheeks had turned pink and it set butterflies off in Daehyun's stomach.

"You must be the most beautiful person on the planet. I mean, I don't know what  _I_  look like but I don't think it's possible for me or anyone else to look even half as pretty as you and—"

"Told you." Junhong said proudly, but it was almost as if Youngjae didn't hear him. He just stared at Daehyun in shock, with red cheeks until a smile twisted his whole face into something more beautiful than Daehyun thought to be possible. To his embarrassment, he actually made a small noise of astonishment as the way Youngjae looked when he smiled, with his eyes scrunched up and his white teeth showing.

"I'm dating an angel." Daehyun told Junhong quite seriously. "He's so perfect, he can't be human."

A weight on his shoulder distracted him then, Youngjae had literally fallen head first onto him and was burying his face into Daehyun's neck. "You know when Himchan and Yongguk used to talk about him, like, collapsing in their dorm room and gushing about how much he liked you for an hour or two straight, I thought they were kidding." Junhong said to Youngjae. "I'm going to give you two a moment, but seriously, Youngjae, remember that he remembers nothing. So maybe decide what is and isn't important to talk about right now."

He stood then, and Daehyun had to take a moment to accept how tall he was before he was out of the room and Youngjae was looking up at him with doe eyes. Words came out of his mouth like they had a mind of their own. "How did we start dating?"

"Well, freshman year you kept asking me out, but I kept skirting around it because, well, frankly you're kind of loud and everywhere and it's a lot to take in at first. But we had these mutual friends, um, Yongguk and Himchan. You met them at some party one of the clubs was throwing, and I met them at the queer union, and we ended up hanging out a lot as the four of us. You'd apparently go to them a lot when I wasn't there and whine about how much you liked me, and so they kind of pulled me aside and convinced me to give you a chance. So, you asked me out for the hundredth time or whatever and I said yes." Youngjae said.

"And then we were dating?" Daehyun asked.

"Sort of." Youngjae answered. "We didn't call it that for a long time. We'd hang out a lot, we'd go out together, and we'd, you know, have sex sometimes, but we didn't put a name on it. You had said before that you didn't really like dating exclusively, so I was scared to ask you if we could be that way. Then summer break happened and you went home so we didn't see each other much, and when school started up again... I thought you'd leave me when I asked. But I did anyway and you told me to give you a week to think about it. You came back two minutes later and insisted that I was right and that you wanted us to be exclusive, and then we were dating. September 4th, that's our anniversary."

"How... how did I get hurt?" Daehyun asked after a long time. He lifted his arm around Youngjae and felt some calm overtake him.  Something about Youngjae made him feel comfortable.

"I forgot your birthday." Youngjae admitted. His voice sounded dry and clinical at first, almost as if he was reading a story from a book. "You waited all day thinking it was just a surprise party or something, but really I forgot. We got into a fight, you were really upset and for some reason I decided to argue with you about it. So you ended up getting mad enough to leave. I felt bad, but you went to go buy yourself some shitty thing of premade cupcakes from the convenience store so you'd at least have cake and..." He trailed off, taking a couple seconds to breath. Daehyun could hear the weakness in Youngjae's voice. "You got hit by a drunk driver while you were walking home. It was nearly a hit and run but the driver was so drunk he crashed into a lamppost not long after he hit you."

"Is the driver okay?" Daehyun asked.

Youngjae sniffled. "Of course you would ask that. At least you're still you." He mumbled. It took a couple seconds for him to calm down enough to speak again. "He walked away from the crash with a couple scratches and some broken ribs."

He and Youngjae chatted more about his life and later a doctor came in to survey how he was functioning.

 

 

They kept monitoring him in the hospital for a week, but after the doctor decided it would be best for Daehyun to go home with Youngjae. There wasn't much more they could do for him there, and the familiar environment might help him remember. But, it was hard, he didn't feel like he knew Youngjae. They were strangers, in the end, and so it was hard to share space with him like that. Daehyun didn't know where he fit in the boundaries of this world.

He still had a broken leg and a broken arm, so Youngjae wheeled him into the apartment that was supposedly his home. It smelled like Youngjae, musky and sweet, but there was some other saltwater smell that he could not place, and he wondered if it was his own scent from when he had lived there. It was a neat little place, just enough room for two people and cluttered with little knick-knacks and gifts. Youngjae wheeled him around the apartment first, to show him where everything was, and then he settled himself in the living room to try to get a feel of the place while Youngjae ran off to make something for them to eat.

Youngjae seemed inhumanly perfect then. Everything he did was so careful and loving toward Daehyun, but it was still awkward for him because he had no real memories of Youngjae. On the coffee table sat a large stack of envelopes addressed to him, and so he picked one up and opened it. It was a card, written in messy scrawl, from some child expressing their delight to have been in his class and wishing he would get well quickly enough to teach in the following year. Daehyun set to reading each of the cards and felt warmth in his heart at the sweetness of his students. 

It seemed he had lived a happy life, as far as he could tell. Youngjae seemed to be the perfect boyfriend, their friends had been kind and supportive when he had met them, and it seemed his job was wonderful too. So why, why did Daehyun feel sadness when he looked around this place? 

"No, I haven't told him yet. I lied about it when he asked." Youngjae's voice came from the kitchen, so soft that Daehyun could only hear it if he was straining to. It was clear his boyfriend was whispering to someone on the phone. "I don't know that it's something we need to talk about right now. It would be unfair to him to force my side of the story on him when he doesn't even  _know_  his own." A long a pause. "I don't know, Himchan, I really don't. Maybe when he remembers, he'll break up with me. It doesn't matter at the moment. For now, all I care about is that he gets better." Another long pause and then words so soft and heartbroken that Daehyun was not sure he heard them correctly. "Just let me pretend for a little while, please. Right now it feels like he still loves me. I forgot how good that felt."

He didn't understand. As Youngjae said a quick goodbye to his friend, Daehyun sought any explanation that made sense. Youngjae was perfect, why would Daehyun stop loving him? Well, excluding the head trauma that had made them strangers. 

Youngjae came in a couple minutes later with two warm bowls of ramyun in his hands, one of which he passed to Daehyun who was propped up on the couch. "Sorry if it's bad. You're normally the cook between the two of us. You could have turned on the TV or something while you were waiting." Youngjae's voice was still soft, like he was recovering from his conversation from before. "It must have been boring to just sit here and wait."

"I was reading the letters the students sent me." Daehyun answered. "They seem like nice kids. All of them were asking me if I'd be better in time for school."

Youngjae smiled a little, warm like there was something familiar there. "You really loved them. I remember when you took the job you were horrified. You spent three weeks complaining about how you didn't want to work with middle schoolers because they're awful. You were hoping for a high school band, where the kids would all be good and passionate about what they were doing, but this was the only job open. And then, then you came home from your first day and we laid on this couch for three hours straight while you talked about how much you loved it. You talked about how great the kids were, how even if most of them hadn't gotten good yet they were all still so passionate, and how they all laughed at all of your jokes." Youngjae looked down at his soup then, his smile growing even more. "You're not supposed to give them treats but for Halloween and Christmas you brought in a bunch of candy and handed it out and you said the kids were so excited that several of them hugged you. Then, at the end of the year, a bunch of them gave you little gifts which is apparently an honor reserved for the kids' favorite teachers and when you got back you hung all of the drawings up on the wall in the office. They're still there, if you didn't notice them."

"Do you think they'll let me go back if I don't remember by then?" Daehyun asked.

"You have another month or so, you'll remember by then." Youngjae sounded a little strained.

"What if I don't?" Daehyun asked.

Youngjae didn't seem to want to consider the possibility. "They probably will tell you to fully recover, that you can't teach when there's the possibility you don't remember what you've learned about music. Plus, it would be pretty hard-breaking for the kids for their favorite teacher to not remember them." He sounded the same, staring into his bowl of ramyun and not meeting Daehyun's eye.

"What about for you?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" Youngjae replied.

"It would be hard for children I've only known for one year if I don't remember them, but according to you we've been together for four. We've known each other for five, right? Isn't it hard for you then? With me not remembering a thing about who you are?" Daehyun clarified.

Youngjae froze up a bit, and took a deep breath. "Even if you don't remember me, you act the same as you used to. You're the same person, and so you're still the same person I fell in love with. Whether you remember me or not, whether you ever remember me or not. I guess, in the end, memories are just memories, and if you'll stay with me, then we can just make more."

They went silent for a long time, as Youngjae struggled to keep in his emotions and Daehyun struggled to control his shock and awe. However, soon enough another question came up, with the sight of a empty bottle of vodka rolled under the coffee table. "Is it hard to have me here?"

"It's easier having you here then it would be to have you go away." Youngjae said after a long time. He sounded sad and withdrawn as he spoke. "I can't really live without you, Daehyun. Even if you're back to acting the way you used to when we had just met. At least you're here with me, at least you're in my life. I don't know that I'd survive otherwise."

Daehyun gulped. That was a big role to fill for someone he barely knew. He ate a little of his ramyun and found himself hoping he'd remember how to cook soon. Maybe he still remembered and he'd just forgotten individual recipes. "Did we used to fight a lot?" He asked.

"What? Why?" Youngjae asked, sounding shocked and concerned.

"I don't know. Four years sounds like a really long time to me." Daehyun shrugged. "And apparently he had had a really big fight just over my birthday. I don't know, maybe my birthday is really important to me? It just doesn't sound like such a big deal." What would have made him stop loving Youngjae?

"We didn't used to fight much." Youngjae answered softly. Daehyun could hear the pain gathering in his voice though, and saw a tear drip from where his eyes were hidden by his hair into his soup. "But lately, it's been kind of... You've been kind of..." He paused for a bit, placing his ramen to the side and hiding his face in his hands. 

"Y-Youngjae..." Daehyun tried.

"Now's really not the best time." Youngjae said, so quiet Daehyun wasn't sure if he was talking to him or himself. "You don't remember anything. It wouldn't be fair to you to have this conversation now, when you can't defend yourself."

"But what if I don't remember?" Daehyun said. "This could be permanent, and clearly I've upset you."

Youngjae sniffled a bit, and continued to refuse to look up. "It'll be okay, in the end. If you don't remember, maybe we won't have to deal with it. If you do, we'll talk about it then."

 

 

 

He spent three weeks in their apartment before anything changed. In that time he got the cast on his arm off, though he still needed one on his leg because the break had been worse. Many people he supposedly knew had visited him in that time, and together they spoke of memories they no longer shared, with the hope that if he was told enough of his life he would begin to remember it. At first, Youngjae had slept on the couch, supposing that Daehyun would feel more comfortable if he was not sleeping next to a stranger, and at first that was the case. But he had started to feel bad for depriving Youngjae of his bed, and so the night before he had offered up the space next to him.

They had fallen asleep side by side, not touching and not even facing one another. Youngjae had seemed to fall asleep soundly, more so than what Daehyun had seen of him before, when he was tossing and turning on the couch. Maybe it was the comfort of the bed, or maybe it was the body heat next to him. That lulled Daehyun to sleep to, something comforting and familiar about having Youngjae next to him.

He woke up in the middle of the night to hair tickling his chin, and found Youngjae had rolled over in his sleep. He was now laying near on top of Daehyun, head on his chest and arms around Daehyun's middle. Cautiously, Daehyun wrapped his arms around Youngjae too, staring down at his peaceful expression. He played with Youngjae's hair as he waited for sleep to come back to him, and found himself smiling at the familiar sounds of Youngjae's snoring. Maybe he would have found it odd how familiar the situation was, but before he could, he was asleep.

_It was his birthday, and Daehyun was heading over to Himchan's to waste and hour or two while he waited for Youngjae to get off work. They were supposed to go out for dinner to celebrate, but Daehyun really didn't want to. He didn't want to do anything with Youngjae when he knew the other was planning on ending it with him soon. He had overheard the conversation after all. "Don't worry about it, really don't worry. Just focus on your classes for now, Junnie. Everything will be fixed when you graduate. Everything about this will be easier then."_

_He knocked on the door to Himchan's apartment, and when he opened it he found a dark room. "Himchan?" He called out in confusion. The door shut behind him and the lights flickered on, with all of his friends jumping out from hiding places to shout surprise. At the same time familiar arms wrapped around his middle and a loud kiss smacked on his cheek. He screamed at first, but then he was laughing as everyone wished him a happy birthday. He wanted to relax back into Youngjae's arms, to pretend that nothing was wrong, but he couldn't shake the feeling. Youngjae was almost definitely cheating on him. Daehyun was near sure of it. He couldn't let himself give in, he had to be strong so he wouldn't break down crying when Youngjae finally ended it between them._

_Sure enough his dream fast forwarded to halfway through the party, when he lost Youngjae's attention to Junhong and the two split off from the others. On his own damn birthday Youngjae couldn't even pretend! Did he think Daehyun was that dumb not to see it? He went wandering to the kitchen then, to the bottles of alcohol laid out there. At least if he got drunk he wouldn't have to think about it._

_They were getting home then, and Daehyun couldn't tear Youngjae's hands off him. They took a cab, both too drunk to drive, and the moment they were out of it Youngjae's hand was on his ass and his lips were on his neck._

_"Stop." Daehyun insisted when the finally got inside their apartment. He didn't want to be a substitute for someone else._

_Youngjae did, but he was looking at Daehyun with hurt eyes. "Why don't you love me anymore?"_

_"Leave me alone." Daehyun answered._

_"No, I want to know! I deserve to know!" Youngjae's voice started raising, something so unlike him. Daehyun hadn't seen Youngjae this upset since his parents had gotten divorced two years ago. "I deserve to know why after four years suddenly it's like you hate me. Why don't you want to kiss me anymore? Why don't you want to spend time with me? You won't even talk to me! It's like whenever I reach out for you, you're not really there!"_

_"I'm not the one who's leaving all the time!" Daehyun shouted back. "I'm not the one who's throwing everything we had away!"_

_"I can't help that I have to go to work!" Youngjae shouted. "We need money for rent and it's hard just living on the one income until school starts up again!"_

_"I'm not talking about your stupid fucking work!" Daehyun raged. They fight went on, but his dream skipped the rest. It skipped to Daehyun, crouching on the street corner against the mini mart with a pack of gummy bears he was trying to use to get himself to stop crying. He didn't know how many of Youngjae's calls he had ignored, but he knew this needed to end. It hurt too much to keep going._

_Yongguk. He knew Yongguk would be a voice of reason, convincing Daehyun to break up with his cheating boyfriend. He dialed the number with no thoughts of the time, and sighed when a sleepy voice picked up. "Daehyun? What's wrong?"_

_"Youngjae's cheating on me. I need you to convince me to break up with him. I know I should, I know, but it's so hard to convince myself. I've spent four years blindly loving him, Yongguk, but if I don't do it soon enough then he'll break up with me for someone else. I can't do it anymore, please, help me. Tell me to break up with him. I—"_

_"Woah, woah, slow down." Yongguk insisted. "What happened? Why do you think he's cheating on you?"_

_"I know he is." Daehyun answered. "I didn't want to admit it at first but it'd getting harder and harder to deny._ _He's always leaving me to go hang out with Junhong. He even left in the middle of a date once because Junhong called him. Even on my damn birthday he can't pay attention to me, all he cares about is him. He's always texting him and calling him and it's like he's not really there with me. It's like he just constantly wants to be somewhere else — away from me, close to him. I can't be a substitute for someone else anymore, I can't."_

_"Daehyun." Yongguk shushed him, and Daehyun went quiet knowing Yongguk would show him a reasonable way to deal with what was going on. "Please, listen for a bit, because you've got it all wrong. Junhong is straight, he and Youngjae have no interest in each other like that."_

_"Then why—" Daehyun tried to interrupt him, but was cut off._

_"Junhong's parents are getting divorced. He doesn't really want it getting around since he's still in such bad shape over it. They're putting him in the middle of a lot of their fights, it's not a pretty picture. I was supposed to be the only one that knew, but I directed him to Youngjae since he went through something similar. They aren't together. They've never been together. They never will be together. Youngjae is just trying to help Junhong through a tough time." Yongguk's voice came out steady, the way it always did when he was being truthful._

_"Are you sure?" Daehyun sniffed. "It doesn't feel like he cares about me anymore."_

_"He loves you. While we were setting up for the party he spent the entire time talking about you. He was saying how much he loved you, how he couldn't imagine his life without you, and how scared he was because you were being so distant. He doesn't want to end it with you, Daehyun. He doesn't want to be with anyone other than you. And he definitely, one million times over, is not cheating on you." Yongguk answered._

_"If you're sure." Daehyun replied. He hung up then. He needed to think._

_And then suddenly everything made sense. Youngjae had barely spoken to either of his parents since he graduated, but when he was still relying on them to pay for his university tuition he had suffered a lot. They were constantly bickering about who would pay what and who would do what, and often Youngjae would be caught in the middle of their arguments. His parents weren't the kind that split nicely, they split in an explosion of fights and tantrums and Daehyun remembered how Youngjae had suffered a lot during that time. Distinct images of the times he had found Youngjae crying filled his dream. No wonder he had promised Junhong it would be better when he graduated._

_Junhong had gotten a call in the middle of the party, and when Daehyun thought back to his face upon returning, well, he looked miserable. Of course Youngjae would leave him then to comfort their friend. It made sense. He felt like a fool as all those moments clicked into place._

_And so he stood and started running. He didn't bother to look both ways before crossing, the walk sign was flashing for him to go and he needed to speak with Youngjae immediately. Maybe they could work it out. Daehyun wanted to work it out. Tires screeched, and then everything went black._

Daehyun sat up, panting hard as he looked around their room. Their room, with his favorite leather jacket on the chair and Youngjae's stereo system that he had had since freshman year, and his own little collection of dog figurines that had traveled with him up from Busan. He remembered how Youngjae had teased him for it when they first moved in together, but more than once he had caught Youngjae playing with them like an amused child. He looked down to the bed, to the quilt his grandma had made when she found out he was moving Northward and the sheets Youngjae had bought a couple months back when their old ones became so stained and ratty that they had no other options. 

He took deep breaths as he realized what had happened, as he looked down at his Youngjae that had probably missed him so much. Youngjae had lied to him about what their fight that night had been, taking all of the blame when they were both at fault. It was like him, making up a story so that he could take all of blame, just to save Daehyun's feelings for a little while.

On the side table sat the alarm clock he had bought Youngjae for Christmas their junior year, shaped like Darth Vader. It played the Imperial March as its alarm. It was near nine in the morning, but Daehyun knew Youngjae would wake up soon enough if the bed was cold and empty.

He stared for a long time at his boyfriend's face, as the peaceful expression he had as he snuggled into Daehyun's thigh. He remembered the first night they had shared a room, it was the middle of finals and Daehyun hadn't heard from Youngjae in a week. He had come into Youngjae's dorm only to find his friend, at the time, had not slept or eaten in several days because he was so focused on studying. Daehyun had actually dragged Youngjae by the wrist down to the dining hall to eat, and when they were done he insisted on staying to make sure Youngjae actually slept. Once finals were over, Youngjae had thanked him, and asked if Daehyun would check on him every finals term because that was often how he was.

That was before they had even started dating, but it was a memory he treasured a lot.

Knowing Youngjae was always starving when he woke up, Daehyun gave into his usual morning ritual. He hadn't done it since the accident, of course, but since his memories had been restored it felt right to begin the day as he always did, by making breakfast for the both of them. He slid out of bed and grabbed his crutch, going over to the kitchen and settling on pancakes because he knew they were Youngjae's favorite.

Batter made and frying pan cooking, it was several minutes before the footsteps followed Daehyun out of the bedroom. He was nearly done with their breakfast then, and so he didn't scold Youngjae when the younger stole one of the smaller pancakes off the plate and ate it. Warm, familiar arms wrapped around his middle and for the first time in a long time Daehyun relaxed into it. "You're making pancakes." Youngjae commented, as if he wasn't sure how else to express his confusion. Daehyun hadn't cooked since he had gotten back form the hospital after all.

"I remembered how to." Daehyun answered. He felt the way Youngjae froze, like fear had overtaken him.

"Did you only remember the pancake recipe? Or...?" Youngjae's voice was soft and full of worry.

Daehyun flipped the last pancake onto the plate and turned off the stove. "No. I remembered everything." He pulled Youngjae's arms off him so he could turn around then, and felt guilty at the fear in Youngjae's face. He really seemed to think Daehyun would break up with him. He was quick to pull him into his arms in an attempt to reassure him that wasn't the case. "I thought you were cheating on me." Daehyun said after Youngjae finally began to hug him back. "You were always leaving me to hang around with Junhong, or you were texting him or speaking on the phone with him, or something like that. I should have just asked you, but the more I convinced myself it was true, the more I convinced myself you'd just lie if I did."

"Dae—" Youngjae pulled away just to look at him in shock. He practically see the wheels working in Youngjae's head, making similar connections to the ones Daehyun had made outside the mini mart.

"I know." He assured him softly. "Yongguk told me, right before I got hit. I'm sorry. I should have just trusted you."

"I left in the middle of our date, didn't I?" Youngjae answered. "I should have told you what was going on, Junhong would have understood. It's not like you would have gone around telling everyone." He sounded a little horrified in himself. "I'm sorry, Daehyun. I should have told you." Daehyun kissed his cheek then, warm and sweet the way he always used to, and Youngjae let out a little choked whine. "I missed you." He said.

"I missed you too." Daehyun answered, rocking them side to side. "I made apology pancakes." He added, in a lighter tone that had Youngjae smiling.

"Just like when we got drunk as freshman and you accidentally broke one of my camera lenses." Youngjae said.

"Or like when I convinced you and Jongup to go sledding with me in the middle of the night junior year and we all ended up with frostbite and scratches to hell and back." There were smiles on their faces as they reminisced.

"You know you can't fix everything with pancakes, right?" Youngjae teased.

"Well, it's worked for me so far." Daehyun answered. They were hugging again then, and Daehyun could just tell, after having been with Youngjae for so long, that the younger was trying to keep himself from getting too upset.

"I missed you so much." Youngjae mumbled into his shoulder. "So, so much. I know it was harder for you, so I didn't want to say anything, but really, I missed you more than I thought I ever could."

Daehyun placed a warm kiss on his cheek, his hands rubbing up and down Youngjae's sides. "I'm here now." He promised. "I love you."

The words elicited a shaky, relieved breath from Youngjae. "Are you sure?" He asked. "You still love me? Because for a while there it kind of felt like..."

"I still love you." Daehyun asserted. "I never stopped."


End file.
